Freaking out a bit

I'm having the what-to-do-with-my-life panicks. This has happened once or twice a year since college.
I mean, I'm generally unsure of what I want to do and mildly miserable in whatever job I have, but during the panicks, I do things like quite jobs on the spot and threaten to move home to Wisconsin or start researching business schools.
Or grab scissors and start cutting my own hair. The haircuts I get now are WAY too expensive to start doing stuff like that again, though. Maybe I'll get a tattoo.
This is not suprising, considering WisCon and all (where I actually get to do something I love for a few days), but not terribly convenient. I'm about to start novel_in_90 which I was actually very excited for. And that IS something I want to do with my life. I don't have time for day job/career changes right now.
It's just that I've been thinking about going to grad school for an MFA in writing (or an MA in literature with an emphasis in Creative Writing, which sounds brilliant to me because the two do not exist in a vacuum, but apparently an MA is less respected when looking for Creative writing jobs? According to some people. As though any of those jobs really exist. Isn't that like worrying about what ogres like to eat for dinner? If the question arises, knowing the answer will undoubtably serve you well, but the chances...anyways, I would research this).
I have no illusions about what an MFA would do for me. It will not land me a book deal. I will probably not get a me a job. I will just be doing something I love for 2 years. The fear, though, is that once I get out, I will be even LESS employable than I am now. I'm not especially knowledgable about the video stuff I do now, and after 2 years I'll probably be too rusty to jump back in (plus, I will care even less).
But I want to consider carefully before I make any more stupid life choices. I can't say I regret anything I've done in my life yet, but I do think it's time for a bit of a plan. Also, I applied to 4 MFA programs once before (er, the top 4 in the country, which I now believe is meaningless, plus I was straight out of college) and was rejected by all 4. Which I do think is a blessing, since now there is no way I would want to go to any of those (except maybe that one in Austin that is free).
In the end, I think it would be worth it for those 2 years. And at least it's a chance. Where I'm going now is NOWHERE.
Or maybe I should just quit and go work at a coffeeshop, since I always talk about how I want to open a coffeeshop one day. Which is, of course, one of the hardest businesses to keep afloat and make money at. Why find an underserved niche and fill it, when I can do what everyone else tries to do?

Tech Stuff

This just looks too cool: http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/industry/4217348.html

Imagine that is your kitchen table. You could read from it while you ate your cereal, control the tv. Design a webpage or two.

Back to the Rat Race

Some chucklehead on the other side of my cubicle wall is going through every single ringtone on their cell phone, obviously trying to decide which one to use next.

Some things should be done in the privacy of your own home.

Parties with the Dorks

Yesterday evening was the Tiptree Auction, one of my favorite events. It always gets a little out of control, and indeed, Elizabeth Bear (wearing a green corset) offered to be one of the Lovely Ladies showing off merchandise, and I, at some point in the evening, three a dollar into Sharyn November's skirt to buy a Faery Handbag for Kelly Link. I do love these people.
I got bored more quickly than usual, however. I think last year was so big, so over the top, that this year everyone is taking a collective breath (if they showed up at all--there aren't nearly as many guest of honor alumni this year as there normally is). I think there weren't that many exciting things in the pot, and fewer people to bid them up to crazy amounts.
So we bailed early and went to the haiku earrings party. My Haiku was titled "The Clockwork Fairy":
Music Winding Down
Her Battery Induced Haze
Punk Pierced Silver Arms

And for this I was given a pair of earrings.

Whoops, time to go to the next panel. My NEXT post will be about the parties, I promise. It's good stuff...

My Panel

My panel went SO well! I'll do a full on write up about it later, I promise.

I am starting to understand the reason for the smell. When you don't spend your lunch and dinner hours alone with a sandwich, you run out of time to shower. However, if one knows that one acquires an overwhelming odor after a day or two, MAKE time.

My roomies are great. I LOVE being a heavy sleeper. I didn't even notice one of them coming in at 2 a.m.

Going to try to hit the art show and dealer's room (I specifically brought money for books this year) at dinner time.

Dispatches from a Scifi Convention Continue

NrD report #234ohbn:
The smell has not improved, though the natives have become more friendly. Chocolate is abundant, though water seems in short supply.

Awkwardness abounds.

I have, however, now found all my friends. Two of my roommates are here for the first time, and accompany me to most things, which can be nice.

My workshop was FANTASTIC. I got so many great ideas and encouragement. After discussing with other people afterwards, who also had good experiences, I still realized that I am amazingly confident about my writing. Apparently other people stress about what people will think about their story. I assume people will like it overall, other than problems A, B, and C. And then they will tell me I am a fantastic writer, and show great promise.

Am I conceited? Am I pumped up by false pretenses? Does it even matter?

Only time will tell.

I find myself taking on the tone of a wise-old convention goer around my roommates. Must stop that. I imagine if it is not annoying yet, it will be.

There are so many good panels coming up! I truly have not had this much trouble deciding what to do in the past. I'm wishing I had a time-travel device like Hermione does in the third Harry Potter book, so I can attend more than one class at a time.

I had my palm read and my numerology done. My number is 3, which means I'm an artist (yay!) and I should focus on the joy of living. My life line is of an average length, but is especially deep and strong, which means I live with passion. My career path has diverged or will diverge soon (let's hope so!). I am an open-hearted person (not sure about that one).

NRD Report # w4l5

First day at my third WisCon. I had assumed after all this time, and after knowing a few people here finally, my crushing socially anxiety would become less.

What a fool I am.

I spent the afternoon bummed I my parents had to leave early, bummed my one friend who I actually had a cell phone number for wasn't (and still hasn't) calling me back, and eventually bummed I hadn't called my cousins earlier because they were both about to leave town.

But I worked out, took a shower, wrote a bit. I finally got to do some activities, and met someone I knew there. They were doing something else afterwards however, so I went to the first reading alone. Again, I met someone I knew, and even went out to dinner with a group of people, which was really nice.

However, as soon as we got back to the hotel, they all kind of...disappeared. The lobby has cleared out. I think everyone is either out to a bar or in bed (at 9pm! It's only 7pm on the west coast!). Which is fine, because I will get very little sleep from here on in. But I wish I could find my original friends again, or go to a bar with someone. But now there is no one. I feel like a girl without a date.

My roommates should arrive in an hour or two, though, so that is an event to look forward to. I will meet them, and hopefully hang out with them tonight, or go to bed at the same time if they're tired.

Over and out.

War and Peas

I eat sugar-snap peas the same way I eat chocolate chips.
I think, I'll just have one or two, just for the taste. I'm not really hungry. Then, well, I'll grab a handful. Then before I know it I'm sneaking them left and right, not paying attention to what I'm eating and the entire bag is gone.
Why can't I be like that with ALL veggies?

Whine, cry.

I'm wanting to be a big baby right now :(

But my back huuuuuuurts! I couldn't even walk upright yesterday. It hasn't gone out on me (yet. Cross your fingers.) but I'm all kinked up like an old man. Painkillers do nothing, and taking my "last resort" drugs during the first hour of my work day is a bad idea. I can't go to la-la land until after lunch. At least.

I'm a bit stressed out lately, with job stuff and going to WisCon and missed hair appointments and whatnot. That certainly doesn't help.

This is what happens when you lose weight and exercise, folks. Let that be a lesson to you.

Before I Forget

Apparently this pet food contamination thing is not slowing down, and it's definitely not over. In fact, more foods are being added to the FDA "black" list every day. It's becoming more and more widespread.
Joe's friend's cat is probably going to die, and he was feeding her a really high-quality brand of food.
So without further ado, here is the website with lists of food to avoid and other information:
http://www.fda.gov/oc/opacom/hottopics/petfood.html

Please read and be really careful!

I'm a Slacker

Man, I've really been slacking on the blog here, but Blogger has been giving me troubles lately.
Mostly, I'm just really excited to go to WisCon! I get in Wed, May 23 at 1:40pm (are you listening parents?) and I leave Monday at 4:05pm.
I'm on a panel this year! I'm going to talk about books that take place underground and their significance in literature. I've always been a little obsessed with any kind of secret place, and places underground seem like the ultimate secret. I'm nervous, but it will be fun. One of my friends is even on the panel with me. This will be the first time I go to WisCon where I already know people.
While there, we should check out Dr. Evermore's Sculptures. It's not that far from Baraboo, which I think is not far from where we're staying Wed. night. It looks pretty neat, and I've always wanted to go.
In other news, we finally got to do a major trip to Target with Joe's friend's truck. Now we have a dresser, another bookshelf, a grill and I have a desk on the back porch! The dresser is an absolute piece of crap. It makes me SO mad. I would mind having a piece of crap dresser if it were CHEAP, but it's not. I'm mad because I (not just my dad, who builds beautiful furniture, but ME) could manage to build a better dresser for half the price if I only had the tools. And the space. And materials. But I'm not yet ready to invest in such things, so I'll do my best with this.
Which reminds me, I need to pick up some wood glue. Grr.
The only good thing I can say about it is that at least it's real wood, not "particle-filled pressed fiberboard" like IKEA furniture is. Ugh. I hate Ikea.

Grandma Garnet

Just under 2 weeks ago, I was talking to my mom and asked how my grandma was doing. She's been getting sicker and sicker for years now, and had recently gone into the nursing home.
"She has an ear infection now," my mom said.
Sheesh! I thought, how much more can that poor woman take.
I guess that was it.
The next morning my mom called. I couldn't answer because I was at work, but I had a pretty good idea of why she was calling. People talk about the dreaded "middle of the night" call, when they know something is wrong. I get the middle of the day call. My mom knows I can't answer, so there are only a few reasons she would call.
When my grandpa died last year, I knew something was wrong when my mom called twice in a row. She never does that either.
So I finally called her back and found out that my Grandma Garnet, my dad's mom, died last Monday morning at the nursing home. Nobody was especially shocked, and I think a few of us were even relieved. At this point, she was just suffering. She hadn't smiled in a long time, and being so ill, and so afraid of being ill, for that long strips a person of their personality.
I wasn't able to go to the funeral. It's a pretty wretched trek from the west coast, and I'd rather go for a whole week this summer when I can spend more time with my grandpa and parents.
What do I remember about my grandma?
My two earliest significant memories of her are...weird.
First, I remember being at church with her. We went to the Nazarene Church most Sundays with my grandparents (while my parents snoozed at home). I remember one Sunday the pastor mentioned something in his sermon about the evils of alchohol. Afterwards, grandma asked me if my dad still drank beer.
"Sure," I said. "He drinks beer all the time!" I was probably 8 or 9. Or even younger.
"We're going to have to pray for him then," she told me.
I went home and told my mom that we were going to pray for dad for drinking beer.
Much eyerolling followed.
My second memory was that she was the first person who ever told me what being "gay" meant. I saw some literature in her mail about it, and asked her what that meant. She told me, though I can't remember exactly how. I also don't remember getting any connotation of it, negative or otherwise from her. Though she certainly didn't bother to tell me that her oldest son was gay. Also, I suspect that the literature I saw (knowing the kind of people they rolled with) was not at all pro-gay material.
I could go on about my young memories of her, but they're all of a similar angle. Weird, right? How did I wind up so liberal?*** Maybe I'll post more later, actually. They are rather fascinating.
My grandma and grandpa were married for 61 years. That is beyond amazing. My grandma was the oldest of 9 kids. She was in the army (she drove a jeep!). She got her teacher's degree. All in all, her life was pretty full, and pretty interesting. I think it is partly because of her that I learned to see the world in terms of stories to be told.
I'm glad she was in my life, and she will be missed.
***My mom, that's how.

Ow, my pancreas

The night before last, allergies decided to sucker-punch me in the middle of the night. I spent yesterday in a haze.

Today it rained, so everyone keeps saying I should be feeling better. Then why do I feel like I'm still curled into a ball on the floor, while my allergies kick me in the ribs and laugh?

My whole body hurts. If I still feel like this tomorrow, I am totally staying home and watching Disney movies.

Also, I wish someone would go get me some hot chocolate.