United States of Me

A slightly fascinating (well, to me anyways) exercise about food triggers:

Situation #1: My afternoon sugar binge is named Janice. She comes around loud and pushy until I can't think of anything else. She wears loud colors, like orange polyester pantsuits.

Me: Why do you show up when you do?

J: I can sense when you need me. When you need some flair and joy. Something to perk you up.

Me: What color describes your mood.

J: Rosey pink. Always cheery and homey. Like fresh baked cookies on a sunny day.

Me: What else should I know about you?

J: I move fast. Once I'm alerted, I come like a whirlwind. You can't stop me. Don't even try. I know best.

Me: What if I want to feel those feelings?

J: Why would you want to feel bad? That's silly.

Me: Maybe I want to deal with what's causing them.

J: It's no good to wallow. Best to do something to make yourself cheery right away. Besides, don't you like baking cookies and eating cake? Who wouldn't want to do that?

Me: Uh...it makes me feel sick sometimes.

J: [has no answer to this]

Me: Also it makes me fat.

J: Who cares what other people think?

Me: It's not about other people. It's about me feeling slim and energetic and able to work on the things in my life that make me unhappy instead of pretending they don't exist.

J: Shush. Here. Eat a cookie.

Janice is a slippery one and avoids all my reasoning. She cannot be reasoned with, like a born-again Christian. She believes in what she does too hard.

Situation #2: Being hurt or sick

I envision a pathetic looking man with a cast on his leg. His name is Harry. He sits on the couch eating all day because it hurts too much or takes too much effort to do anything else.

Me: Why do you show up when you do?

H: [waves at broken leg] Isn't it obvious?

Me: What color describes your intention?
H: Beige. The world is washed out for you during that time. The only thing that brings color are food, TV, or drugs. I bring them for you.

Me: Wouldn't it be better to care for my sickness with healthy food?

H: That would take too much work. Also, what would you do for all those long hours of sitting around? Eat salmon and legumes? You're sick/hurt. You're allowed to indulge. Sick people get whatever they want. Plus the good feelings and seratonin that things like ice cream bring actually help you heal faster.

Me: Really?

H: Probably.

Me: Why do you stay around so long, even after I don't need you?

H: I'm too lazy to move.

Me: It would be better if I didn't eat so much when I get hurt. If I lost weight, my back and knees would not hurt so often in the first place.

H: Are you sure about that? Your mom always told you that bad joints run in the family. Look at your brother. He's in good shape and he has some of the same problems. So you might as well comfort yourself as well as you can now. You will spend most of your middle ages in pain and probably die young.

Me: First of all, it doesn't have to be that way. I'm sure of it. Second, my brother definitely has LESS troubles than me. What else should I know about you, Harry?

H: I'm just trying to be your friend when you're sad and lonely and in pain. I know how helpless you feel. You feel like it will never end. So I'll stick it out with you. Heck, I'll stay here even longer than that...

#3 is more of a “batch” of triggers. I think these all come from the same place, so I'm grouping them together. Also, separately they would not be that much, like if I only did one of them it would be fine. Taken as a group, it adds up to a lot of extra calories in a year. It's the special occasion eating. Dinners out with friends and my husband. Parties, like BBQ or football parties from friends. Company Christmas parties. Vacations. When people are in town visiting. Birthdays. Saturday nights. SF Beer Week. The Fancy Food show. This is when the party girl in me emerges and declares that you aren't living unless you're having fun, and eating and drinking are definitely fun.

Let's call her Minnie.

Minnie wears a sausage dress and carries a sparkly purse. She has long hair and talks a lot.

Me: Why do you show up when you do?

Minnie: To have fun! Life should be fun.

Me: What is your intent?

Minnie: To help you live your life to the fullest. Carpe diem. Life every day like it's your last, and all that.

Me: I can do that without you.

Minnie: No you can't. You sit home and read books or spend all day in a coffee shop. You get overwhelmed at big parties and try to stand in the corner.

Me: Describe your personality.

Minnie: I'm outgoing and energetic. I can hold my liquor. I like meeting and talking to different people and seeing things. I don't get tired easily. People like me because I'm fun. I don't say dorky things. Also, men find me very attractive.

Me: Whoa, you think very highly of yourself.

Minnie: I'm just confident. It's all true. This is what people are like who go out and get things instead of being frozen by fear.

Me: So then why do you just show up to get me to eat at parties? Why don't you come around during job interviews?

Minnie: Booooooring. I show up to have fun. Otherwise I'll stay home and sleep or get a manicure.

Me: What would be so bad about eating a reasonable amount of food at a party and talking to the few people I know?

Minnie: You tell me. You get all nervous and tense and want to go home right away. Like at D's birthday. If you hadn't known there were cupcakes coming, you would have left an hour earlier.

Me: I just feel like there are better things to do with my time. I could be home writing or working on my business. I could get better sleep to have better energy the next day and work out and clean my house. I could learn to play the banjo.

Minnie: If you actually did things like write or take banjo lessons, that would be great. I'd let you go. But you never do. You find other distractions that never lead anywhere. You spend your time frozen with uncertainly and don't accomplish anything. As for the other things, boooooring. So you might as well stay and party. At least then you have friends and memories.